Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
