Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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