respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
