Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
