Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
