I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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