I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
