How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
