so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
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His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Alive.
So much puke
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
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Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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