Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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