i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
