Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i think i just lost a toe
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
