I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
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I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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