I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
this hospital has no fireball
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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