I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
