she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
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Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
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I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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