What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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