i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
