I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
