You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
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Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
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She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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