I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
