dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
