I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
