I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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