It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
