i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I think your dad took our porno
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure