My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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