Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
