I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The uberlube is also flammable
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
