Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
