Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
