is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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