last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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