He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
birth control should be required to get into college
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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