You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
