My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
