but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
