I wish I only lived at night.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
