she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Holy shit dude........stairs
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
