Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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