It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
