Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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