Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
