Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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