i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
