I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
