Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
