Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
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It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
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so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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