Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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