Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
