I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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