Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
