the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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